"What now?": The Final Phase Of Recovery That (Almost) Nobody Talks About

Feeling lost and missing your eating disorder is normal.

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I was approaching my final appointment at the eating disorder clinic. My weight was well into the normal range, my period was back, I was eating 3000 calories daily with ease, and after years of body dysmorphia, I could finally see my body in a more realistic light. Recovery wise, things were going great. Everyone around me was relieved. I should be relieved too, I thought. But instead, I felt kind of...

Empty.

I had officially entered the "what now?"-phase of eating disorder recovery, the final phase of recovery that nobody really talks about. Your practitioners often expect you to manage on your own at this point, as does those around you. After all, you look and act somewhat normal again. Yet mentally, you feel a string of confusing emotions: you’re happy you're better, yet find yourself romanticising and missing your eating disorder, like it was a shitty, nagging ex. You may feel a loss of identity, and find that the expectations others have for you now as a "healthy person" are completely overwhelming.

"Why do I miss my eating disorder?"
"Why do I feel so depressed, anxious and lost after recovery?"
"What if I fail, and don't have my eating disorder to blame or fall back on?"
"Who am I, without my eating disorder? What are my goals, interests and hobbies?"
"How do I let go of recovery?"
"What do people expect of me now?"
"How do I move on?"

This is the point where so many relapse. Mental health professionals often attribute it to "being unable to cope with the weight gain". I would instead argue it is an inability to cope with life, and with the overbearing feelings of emptiness, uncertainty and identity crisis that are all common feelings when you are fresh out of recovery (or in the end phases of it). I believe it is a big mistake for practitioners to end treatment at this point as this is often where people need support more than ever to prevent relapse. As a recovery coach, this is one area I and my colleagues at Let’s Recover are passionate to help clients navigate.

Letting go of an eating disorder is hard, but letting go of recovery can sometimes feel even harder. People build identity, community and routine around recovery, just like with the eating disorder. An eating disorder - including recovery from it - takes up a huge amount of time, energy and brain capacity. When we let that go, it is completely normal to feel emptiness, longing and conflicting emotions, just like how we tend to miss shitty exes - even if they were bad for us. It can feel almost like you're left with a gaping hole inside you.

The good news is that this phase is temporary. The gaping hole that the eating disorder left will be gradually filled up with meaningful things, such as work, hobbies and relationships with other people. Recovery means more space for more you, yet creating and rebuilding yourself and your life does not happen over night. It takes time for you to explore new interests (or rekindle old ones), meet new people, discover your passions and make new memories.

People often get impatient in this phase. As a result, they often either: A) decide the recovered life wasn't for them, or B) jump into a familiar pattern and replace one obsession with food and body with another. It is no coincidence so many fitness athletes and people engaged in cult-like diet subcultures have a past (or current) of eating disorders. We tend to seek out what feels familiar, even if it holds us back. If this resonates, then don't worry. The good news is that you can still break free. Unfortunately, many people don't even realise they are trapped, and realising you’re in a cage is the first step to getting out of it.

A problem with the “What now?” phase of recovery is that people are often unprepared. This makes people think they are "doing recovery wrong", or that recovery and being recovered “isn't for them". Truth is, it is a completely normal (and temporary) phase of recovery. In addition to this, people may have less professional support, along with increased expectations from those around them. This can leave people vulnerable.

The key to getting out of the "what now?"-phase is time, but also action. Instead of focusing on "finding yourself", focus on creating yourself. Push yourself outside your comfort zone. Try new things. Say yes to invites, heck even invite yourself! Take initiative. If you feel lost, try work with a professional as opposed to withdrawing support and expecting yourself to be OK on your own. It is completely normal to need some extra support at this point.

You are not failing recovery. If anything, hurting means you are letting go and moving on. You are winning.

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